Dialing For Fun

It was a Tuesday morning, the kinda Tuesday morning that came about
too fast due to the insomniac alcohol haze that was still clouding my
mind. Bored and unable to sleep I do what I usually do, make funny
drunk phone calls.

A friend of mine runs a bodega in some redneck town in southern Va,
where everyone knows everyone. I decided that at this early hour this
is probably the only place where someone I know is up and it would be
ok to call. I called up with my number block and I hear my friend, for
this story I'll call him Wayne, pick up the phone. "Main St Deli, This
is Wayne can I help you?"

A little about Wayne, I've known this guy for over 10 years, and every
single time when I call him, if I change my voice a little bit he has
no clue its me. Its probably due to the fact that Wayne smokes more
pot than an incinerator stuffed with 10lb bales. When describing Wayne
what comes to mind is Spectacle Wearing, Child Molesting Looking,
Stoner Ass Dork. You can't have enough friends like this guy, the
entertainment value is through the roof.

I ask Wayne, "Do you have any breakfast sandwhiches?", knowing full
well that they were putting in a new kitchen in the Deli.

Wayne replies curtly "No SIR! Our kitchen is down right now."

I have done hundreds of drunken calls so timing is huge when
delivering a well placed curse, so I replied a brief moment later
"Bull---SHIT" emphasizing the pause between the bull and the shit with
an exasperated sigh that directly targeted on Wayne that he was so
pathetic that he deserved this curse.

I can see Wayne's face right now, it must of scrunched up into a
little ball of rage as he said "Listen this is a business line, you
call here cursing again Im going to call the operator" hahah the
operator!!!! Wayne hangs up in disgust.

Laughing because I knew he was pissed only prompted me to want to push
him over the edge. So I called immediately back. "Listen here you son
of a bitch, you hang up on me again, I'll come down there and shoot
the shit outta you" I said with a rednecky twinge and alcoholic rage.

Wayne became the bodega warrior at this point "You come down here and
I'll get out my .357 and take care of this." and hangs up again.

I call back again and someone other than Wayne picks up the phone. I
found out later it was this guy known in town as Wild Bill.

Wild Bill is bushy haired redneck who had just kicked a crack habit
and the world seemed like a really down place to a guy recently off
the bliss of the c-rock. Wild Bill had gotten out of jail earlier in
the year, he was imprisoned because another fellow crack head had
borrowed $80 dollars from him, and didn't pay him back. So he went to
the guy's house armed with a shotgun enraged that he was getting
"dicked over" and held the guy and his wife at gunpoint demanding his
money back. At somepoint the dog runs into the room and it spooks Wild
Bill and he shoots it dead, the blood splatters all over the guy and
his wife. Wild Bill freaks out and runs out of the house and goes back
home where the police got him. To this day he still says "He aint
gonna dick me over ever again!"

I didn't know who this guy was when he picked up the phone. So I
railed into him "You fuckin cocksucker, quit being Wayne's bitch and
put him on the phone"

Wild Bill says very calmly "I know who this is, and Im going to come
down there and have a talk with your father."

Apparently the only other deli in town had been calling the store
also, just not as brazen.

Going for the Gold I said "You stupid redneck bitch, go ahead and come
down and talk to my father, so I can piss in your face when I see you,
you stupid fuckin redneck"

"Ok boy, I come to your place everyday and buy my breakfast from your
father, Im going to come there and tell him what a punk you are" Bill
said twitching with anger it seemed. CLICK he hung up.

Being tipsy I was laughing it up and went to the head to drain the
boys. Three minutes go by, and I call up again. Wayne picks up and I
decide to call as myself and dialed in unblocked. "Hey man is Vinny
there"

"No he's not, dude did you just call?" Wayne said.

"No man I just woke up, and I have to talk to Vinny about when he's
going to come down."

"Oh ok, customer gotta go" Wayne replied as he hurried off the phone.

A few more minutes go by and Wayne calls me. We make bullshit small
talk, and then I was like "Wayne, you're such a fuckin loser, you
didnt know it was me, and then you got your buddy ass customer to
talk"

"FUCK SHIT, DAMNIT MAN, Wild Bill just went over to Nick's(The name of
the other deli)" Wayne hangs up.

I found out from Vinny, that Wayne ran out the store, locked the front
door, and ran over to stop Wild Bill, and Wild Bill was walking the
opposite direction angered. Apparantly Wild Bill goes into the store
gets a soda, and when its his turn in line he tells Nick, I know what
you and your punk son did pointing his finger directly in his face.
Nick must've been like a deer in headlights, and said what you're
talking about. Wild Bill then let all the rage go and cursed out poor
Nick and spilled his soda all over the floor. Wayne meets him and
tells him it wasn't Nick, that whoever it was they called back with
the number unblock and it wasn't Nicks.

Hahahah I guess Wild Bill isn't getting his breakfast from Nick's
anymore and Wayne to this day still gets drunk calls by me no
problems!!!!